Wednesday, June 4, 2008

If you're a failure and you know it raise your hand...


I have failed. At everything I wanted to be good at, I've failed. It's my fault, I'm lazy and unforgiving, always trying to take the easy way. My 1 year old daughter will not eat. She refuses. I try everything, even begging, but nothing. ummmmm-ummmmmmm. On top of this we just found out she has an egg and peanut allergy. Great. As if she wasn't already different enough with having a heart transplant now she can't even have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Ever. She also has a slight milk and soybean allergy. Jeeze. What the hell did I breast feed for? They said breastfeeding would reduce her chances of food allergies. Not here. They said it would help her immune system to be nice and strong. Nope. Okay it must be me. I'm a failure.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

This is who I am...


This is my blog. This is who I am. A small fish in a great wide ocean. A nobody. Unless you count daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. Then I am someone. It takes a little thinking, a little wrapping my brain around that, those different aspects of my soul. To my mother I am a little baby born from her womb. Nurtured and nestled there baking until I'm ready to be someone. Ah, there it is again, someone. She sees me always as that little child that needs her, and I do. To my siblings I am a sister. Maybe a good one maybe not. One thing is for sure in their eyes I am a fellow adventurer, someone who is succinctly in on the private joke of growing up together. You can't break that bond. To one of them I am a little sister, tugging at her pants leg, begging to be allowed to follow. To another I am a pal, buddy and friend. A peer. A little older and maybe a tad wiser. To the last I am surely an enigma. My only brother, eight years younger and full of emotion. To my husband I am a wife. Again, maybe good one maybe not. I am a part-time lover a full time friend, and something I'm not quite sure of in between. He puts up with my moods, my craziness and my neuroses. I am needed in a different way than anyone else needs me. To my daughter I am a mother. A warm embrace. A nurturer. A boo-boo kisser. A reader of stories. A teacher. A friend. A disciplinarian. A ride. The one who she wants when she is upset and needy. To my friends I am a listener,a sometimes drunken fool (although not lately), hopefully someone they trust and love. To them I am removed from my other roles to just be jelly. Not really formed. All of these roles are different. Yet all are the same because they are me. So there it is. This is who I am.